CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954)

 

PLOT

Human invaders sail through the Gill-man's waters, where he reigns with a scaly fist, he takes a liking to the lone female and takes initiative to claim her as his own

REVIEW

Universal studios, the movie studio built by monsters

Horror as we know it would not be the same without it, the most iconic figures and ultimate portrayals of the classic movie monsters spawned from the Universal backlot, utter the names Dracula and Frankenstein and you are instantly thrust with the images of Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff. It was their brilliant performances along with those others such as Lon Chaney, his chip off the old block Lon Chaney Jr., makeup artist Jack Pierce, directors Todd Browning, James Whale, and others that made the golden age of horror possible

The Universal monsters are the avatars of our beautiful frightful genre, the consummate movie monsters. I have loved them from the time I was a kid, the dark allure of Dracula, the bestial ferocity of the Wolfman, the imposing modern prometheus Frankenstein's monster, the ancient wraith the Mummy, to choose a favorite would be like choosing which finger you want chopped off, you don't want to decide, you want all of them

While I love them all dearly there is always one that extends it's creepy hand out to you more than the others, for me, that hand is clawed, green, and webbed

CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON was directed by Jack Arnold who directed other Horror/Sci-fi gems as TARANTULA and IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE, and originally released in 3-D. After discovering a fascinating fossil with both human and fish-like traits, an expedition is organized into the amazon to further study the strange anomaly. The team includes Dr. Carl Maia, Dr. David Reed, asshole Dr. Mark Williams, and David's beautiful girlfriend Kay, who upon gazing at her beauty the creature ultimately becomes smitten by her

While most of the Universal monsters are culled from literature or popular folklore, The creature from the black lagoon has the distinction of being an original creation, the brainchild of producer William Allan, and ingeniously designed by Millicent Patrick, along with Bud Westmore who would pull a Bob Kane and go on to claim total credit of the creature's creation 

The creature's origin is not too far-fetched, he is not a creation of science, or the supernatural, he is an undiscovered animal, native to earth, in a planet so big that it is host to an infinite amount of animalia, ranging to some long-gone and many that are yet to be discovered. Flying reptiles, egg-laying mammals, poisonous birds, even creatures long thought extinct re-discovered alive have all popped their heads from obscurity and into the world of science, who's to say there might not be an anthromorphic fish-man canoodling in some body of water somewhere (?). In our real-life world we have a storied history of legends such as Bigfoot, the Loch ness monster, Chupacabras, the Jersey devil, Mothman, the creature would have fit right along with them, complete with double-page spreads courtesy of the weekly world news

THE GOOD

.The Gill-man - By far one of the most beautiful monsters ever put to film, comparing him to most other movie monsters at the time one can see he is in a league of his own. An astute monster, observant and vigilant, able to set traps, capable of infatuation, much more than simply stomping his feet with his hands extended. Malevolence is not what drives him to kill, he is not an evil monster, the only reason he ever kills is because someone invaded his turf and saw him as a trophy or subject of experimentation

.The Creature's actors - The creature was played by two men, Ben Chapman on land, and by Ricou Browning for the underwater sequences, which are astounding, swimming uncannily graceful through the water, creating very convincing behavior in his movements that make it feel like the creature is real and not a guy in a suit

.The Creature suit - The suit is great too, aside from it's design it's construction was excellent, not a zipper in sight, and impressive in it's mechanics, when the Gill-man breathes you can notice his gills flap back with every breath which is pretty damn impressive

THE BAD

.Nothing, it's a masterpiece

THE FINAL CURTAIN

Flawless and classic as expected from Universal horror, exemplary monster movie, greatest looking monster Universal ever produced

THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON was followed by REVENGE OF THE CREATURE and THE CREATURE WALKS AMONG US, strangely though, unlike the other Universal monsters he never made another appearance on film, although he was featured on THE MUNSTERS as uncle Gilbert (ha). A twinkie-stealing variation appeared on THE MONSTER SQUAD, Italy's L'ISOLA DEGLI UOMINI PESCE (Island of the fishmen) also has a wee bit of Gill-man thrown in, and there was to be a Gill-man in VAN HELSING before being cut from the film

The creature has always remained popular, consistently featured with the rest of the Universal monsters in whatever form they're featured from Pepsi promotions to bobble-heads. The remake-machine has eyed the creature off and on throughout the years, nothing has ever panned out, not even from Universal which is not surprising considering they have long neglected to respect what put them on the map (that topic will be elaborated on in a future entry), the way things are it would end up like THE WOLFMAN (2010) and set to fail by being dumped in a February release date. If you need any more proof, look no further than Universal studios Hollywood putting out a musical attraction (?!) that has since thankfully closed

A rock show...sweet ethel mertz

Keep it at three movies, leave him untarnished, in peace, in his home of blackened waters    

RATING 10

 

 

HORROR VIDEO MIX VOL.1

CITIZEN TOXIE: THE TOXIC AVENGER PART IV (2000)

PLOT
Tromaville's very own superhero of superhuman size and strength is back in what is sure to be one of the greatest films of all time

REVIEW
It's 2002, the Landmark Nuart theater on Santa Monica Blvd., I'm attending a screening for the third sequel to one of my favorite movies THE TOXIC AVENGER. I had waited long to see it, having caught glimpses of production photos on the Troma website, now finally I had my chance, and director Lloyd Kaufman, along with Toxie himself and Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D would be in attendance

A preceding Q&A was all in good fun, Lloyd Kaufman took questions from the audience, sounding off on numerous topics such as methods of killing people on screen, the evil corporate Hollywood media conglomerates, and the then upcoming Troma film that became the horrible train-wreck TALES FROM THE CRAPPER. Count Smokula endeared us with blazing accordion licks and songs about Toxie and Kabukiman, and after the Q&A was done, the theater went black, the projector began shining tromagic on the screen and off we were into the land of Tromaville

The movie starts with the voice of narrator Stan "The Man" Lee, and a "special" school during "Take a Mexican to lunch day" being overrun by the "Diaper mafia", taking the retar-Imean"special" students hostage, leaving it to the Toxic Avenger and his trusty sidekick Lardass to save the day. The outcome of the ordeal does not prove totally victorious as a seismic blast from Lardass's ass causes Toxie to switch places with his evil alternate reality equivalent The Noxious Offender, and sets him loose on Tromaville, where he gives the witnessing crowd a savage hello via torn limbs and brutal disembowelings. Meanwhile, Toxie is stuck in "Amortville" with two special students from the school, Tito and Sweetie Honey, where the city is run by evil versions of the heroes of Tromaville

Everything you would expect from a Troma movie is here: Graphic violence, Tits (big ones), Ass, Sex, Lesbians, Gore, and much more delectable tromatic content, one common staple is surprisingly missing though (for the most part), shitty acting

A lot of the actors in this are actually pretty good, Lisa Terezakis (Sweetie Honey), Tito (Michael Budinger), Heidi Sjursen who, while not the hottest Sarah in the series (That would be Phoebe Legere), still gives her character a bit more than simply being Toxie's girlfriend. Joe Fleishaker (Lardass/Chester) gives his more notable performance in a Troma film since being eaten by an escalator on TERROR FIRMER, expanding (some would say like his waist line) from a mere "fat fuck" comic relief role to a pivotal lead character

As soon as the movie was over that fateful night I was overcome with glee, happy that the movie had delivered and then some, it was more than the third Toxie sequel, it was Troma's magnum opus

THE GOOD

.Awesome cast
.Awesome script

. Toxie - David Mattey is to date the best, tallest, and better-acting of all the Toxies, Troma got lucky when his big frame entered their Hell's Kitchen HQ to audition. What worked in his favor was that he was/is a legitimate actor, and brought that legitimacy to his role, although it seems that may also be the reason we may never see David Mattey as Toxie ever again. It would appear from behind-the-scenes footage that Dave Mattey did not take kindly to Lloyd Kaufman's directorial tyranny, seeing as how Troma is far from a typical production he didn't seem to gel with the unconventional method, in one case he came very close to getting replaced after trying to pull his weight around by showing up late to the set to try and stick it to Lloyd, which only proved mortifying as it showed that even he was expandable

.Kabukiman -  Paul Kyrmse as Kabukiman was just as important to the movie as Dave Mattey playing Toxie, he went from playing Kabukiman at conventions to delivering one of the greatest and funniest performances in all of Troma history. Dave Mattey summed it up best when he called Kyrmse the "Bobba fett of the movie", it's insanely fun to see him drunk on his ass, try to lead the Tromaville heroes, or kicking Toxie's ass as the evil Kabukiman, he made his mark on the movie with gusto

.There are several great cameos - Troma alumni such as original Toxie  Mitch Cohen, original Melvin Mark Torgl, Dan Snow, Tiffany Shepis, to porn hedgehog Ron Jeremy, Al Goldstein (SCREW Magazine), comedians the Sklar Brothers, Kinky Finkelstein more commonly known as Corey Feldman, Hank the angry drunken dwarf from The Howard Stern Show (RIP), James Gunn (SLITHER, writer of DAWN OF THE DEAD 2004 and TROMEO & JULIET among others), and God himself Lemmy Kilmister from Motorhead, dont squint and you'll see the Bear Jew Eli Roth (CABIN FEVER, HOSTEL) right behind him in the crowd

THE BAD
 . Hugh Hefner's people for cutting his cameo from the film

THE FINAL CURTAIN
Safe to say, this is one of, if not, the greatest Troma movie ever made, all the right elements were there along with the awesome script by Lloyd, Trent Haaga, Patrick Cassidy, Gabriel Friedman, &co. The Tromatic magnum opus, the comedy-horror piece de resistance, deserving of preservation at the National Registry, if NASA ever launches another Golden record into space and would include films this would be the representative Troma film, although maybe extraterrestrials would be convinced to eliminate us based on bad taste

CITIZEN TOXIE is available on Netflix instant streaming, but you'd be doing yourself a giant favor by avoiding the R-rated version and watch it completely uncensored like it's meant to be. The 2-disc collector's edition is the definitive release, as the second disc contains APOCALYPSE SOON, the behind-the-scenes documentary on the making of CITIZEN TOXIE. From the planning stages and auditions, to the final shot filmed, it's all there, warts and all. There's no shortage of tension, setbacks, accidents, malfunctions, and many other calamities that plagued production. Watching it you wonder how they ever got the movie made, what with all the fuck-ups and unreliable work force that would make Lloyd Kaufman pop some cranial veins on camera

It's an invaluable asset for anyone considering dabbling in film-making, behind every movie is a humongous workload that must be done and at times it can be excruciating to endure, APOCALYPSE SOON hits that point extremely well, and most importantly, shows that you can do the work and deliver on your terms, which is one of Troma's most commendable qualities, along with championing independent cinema and up-and-coming filmmakers for longer than anyone else

Even cooler is their message that you can do it too, and if you're lucky they may even distribute your film for you, just ask Trey Parker & Matt Stone (South Park)

The greatest movie of all time? CITIZEN TOXIE: THE TOXIC AVENGER PART IV

Blood, Guts, Lemmy, the Playboy mansion, Lesbians, a cock monster, Stan Lee, explosive farts, all in the same movie? Plus not one filthy Hollywood taint-spot anywhere?

Place this in the louvre please

RATING 10