Thursday, July 12, 2012

BEST WORST MOVIE (2009)



PLOT
Michael Stephenson, the kid from TROLL 2 aka the “Best worst movie” ever made, presents this documentary on the film that became the hallmark for the worst and smelliest of cinematic shit

REVIEW
Have you ever walked down the street and seen a dog squeeze out a steaming pile on the sidewalk? It's disgusting to even read it, but there's high probability that you'd probably find it funny to watch, and even if you didn't surely there's plenty of others who would. Now, imagine taking that turd and polishing it to the point where people fall in love it and gradually becomes subject to idolatry

That's TROLL 2

A movie so fucking bad, that back in the early 90's when I came into possession of an original pristine vhs copy, I was so overwhelmed by how putrid it was that I taped over it with episodes of THE SIMPSONS and threw the box in the garbage. Imagine my complete astonishment when TROLL 2 became a “cult” film and is shown to sold-out audiences in theaters. It rules the internet with memes and youtube hits, mass fandom erupted and next thing you know people all over the world are elbowing their buddy next to them with every visit to that little town called “Nilbog”

The reality though, is a polished turd, is still a turd

Michael Stephenson, who portrayed little Joshua in TROLL 2, directed this documentary, he covers the production of the film, it's fan-base , and most crucially, revisits most of the major players involved in the making of the movie. The main focus is on George Hardy, who played Michael's father, we see him as a very affable man, loved by his community, and actually making a decent living for himself as a dentist. The rest of the actors are profiled and interviewed on their own respective experiences, but for the bulk of the documentary we follow Mr. Hardy as he relishes and partakes in his new-found fame as the domineering father leery of his son pissing on hospitality

The fans of TROLL 2 are front and center as well, we see them participating in screenings, social gatherings, making costumes, getting tattoos, they're from all over the globe, all blessed by the bellyaching the movie creates in their stomachs. I am terribly divided, for I appreciate the positivity that is present with the way people laugh at this film, we could never have enough laughter, it really is the best medicine, and there is a collective base that loves coming together to celebrate that

On the other hand, I am also despondent with how willing people are to worship complete crap

While I do believe that TROLL 2's fame was born through good intentions, some of it was also formed out fratboy internet-fame jackassery, you know the kind, the same that made a god out of Chuck Norris when he's barely a notch above Michael Dudikoff. I don't want to come across as a sourpuss, I love to laugh at terrible movies myself, I've done that with MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE to MAC & ME and had an uproarious time doing so, but I never wanted to form a fan club or stitch my own MANOS poncho

What I'm getting at, is that it's nice to see that level of devotion, but not when it's aimed in the wrong direction, especially when people like John Landis and John Carpenter can't find a pot to piss in nowadays. Anybody ever heard of THE WARD? It's Carpenter's last film, in all likelihood there's more people who have favorited “OH MY GAAAAHD” than know that film exists

But anyways, thankfully BEST WORST MOVIE doesn't showcase those kind of fans and only show the kind that finally brought a meaningful legitimacy to those affected most by TROLL 2: the cast. The cast of TROLL 2 are shown bewildered by how much they are loved and greeted with praise, every handshake and autograph request atoning for every bad memory of having 'been a part of that past job best left forgotten

Every actor gives some level of insight into the making of the film, as well as the ramifications of having 'been a part of it. Director Claudio Fragasso is also present so he can contradict his cast in public and call them “dogs”. Fragasso is sort of a pompous egg, completely clueless to the nature of his film's reputation, and not a likeable guy in my eyes. The cast is not the only one that feels the brunt, in a Q&A he shuts a fan down as knowing “nothing”, the crowd could only politely laugh at how dismissive he was, I'm sure if they could take back the standing ovation they would. If you're going to be a dick to people that love your work when it really doesn't deserve it in the first place, then keep your ass home in Italy Claudio

At one point we follow George Hardy as he tries to follow up on his TROLL 2 popularity by making convention appearances. As a convention veteran, I've seen and met many genre luminaries that cons offer, it can be quite exciting, it can also be depressing. For every Robert Englund and Bruce Campbell there's also the under-worked, the forgotten, the not-so-liked that sit at tables hoping and praying that someone will show any interest in an 8x10 and have them flex those motionless fingers for an autograph

George Hardy attends a convention in the UK and gets a vicious slap of reality when he is pretty much invisible to everyone, another appearance at a Horror con here in the US the slap stings even more as he is not only once again craving someone to notice him but he is forced to proclaim out loud the great distinction between himself and Horror fans. George Hardy is but a guest in our own wonderful twisted world, It's no place for him, it turns him off, the blood and guts, the monsters, the horrible dental hygiene that surely made for a very heavy aroma caused by bad breath that only a dentist could detect

He should be used to the stench, I mean he was in TROLL 2

THE GOOD

.George Hardy – The perfect candidate to follow on this documentary, he's likeable, a pretty nice guy and he can treat your cavities

.The cast is finally rewarded – It's good to see them getting actual payoff, even if it's just a bit here and there that flattery must be worth more than gold to them

.This is the pinnacle of TROLL 2's fame – Documentary's 'been made, there's nowhere else to go, a “sequel” is hinted at but for the love of fuck let it all end here, let's move on to better movies please

THE BAD

.Claudio – It was commendable how in-depth this documentary was and for that purpose the director had to be featured, but I could have done without him

.Compares with Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn? - …... ...

THE FINAL CURTAIN
Decent documentary that represents how far something can go even if it has very little to offer, and how it can still be cherished. If you're unfamiliar with TROLL 2 it's trivial to watch, unless you are and you're curious to see the film's captivation with fans

RATING 6

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS DEMON KNIGHT (1995)



PLOT
Brayker, a tormented protector of a holy relic holes up in a former church and along with it's tenants faces off against demons led by the Collector, who wants the relic to claim superiority of all of existence to his boss old scratch

REVIEW
Issue # 33 of INCREDIBLE SCIENCE FICTION marked the very last issue of the late great EC COMICS

In their prime, EC comics produced the definitive Horror comics of all time through the pages of titles such as THE VAULT OF HORROR, SHOCK SUSPENSESTORIES, THE HAUNT OF FEAR, and of course, TALES FROM THE CRYPT. EC comics were the cream of the crop and are untouched to this very day, they had marvelous storytelling with phenomenal artwork thanks to artists like Jack Davis, Al Feldstein, Graham Ingels, and a whole slew of talent that brought fear and terror with every pencil stroke. EC had it all, and only went away because they were deemed too far ahead of their time by a then-pale and unadventurous public. William M. Gaines rebounded and continued his pioneering reputation with the creation of MAD magazine, the definitive humor magazine, and although EC was gone forever it was not to be forgotten

1989 saw the coming of TALES FROM THE CRYPT, a television series on HBO produced by Joel Silver, Richard Donner, Robert Zemeckis, David Geffen, Walter Hill and David Grier, that featured episodes adapted exclusively from the pages of EC comics. TALES FROM THE CRYPT was a success that ran on television for 8 years, and then widely syndicated afterwards. It was an important show, despite the bleak and unfair cessation of EC's publishing, the stories and spirit of EC lived on and became more popular than ever

Success nurtures opportunities for expansion, and after the usual T-shirts, Halloween masks and assorted swag came and went, in 1995 the Cryptkeeper would be brought to the big screen to enchant us with one of his longer and more ambitious of his tales

DEMON KNIGHT had a long history prior to being filmed, there's actually a fascinating article on the script's journey to production in an issue of Fangoria, the exact issue in question escapes me and I'll have to be forgiven as it would be quite a project tracking it down from my dozens of issues in my closet. From what I remember though, at one point DEMON KNIGHT was to be made by none other than FULL MOON, the studio behind PUPPET MASTER, DEMONIC TOYS, ETC. Brayker was to be played by Tim Thomerson (TRANCERS,DOLLMAN) and the collector would have 'been played by Dr. Herbert West himself Jeffrey Combs

DEMON KNIGHT refers to an old battle of good vs evil, heaven vs hell, one side represented by an unwilling protector of a key filled with holy blood, while the other by a charismatic and conniving agent of Satan, who is on Brayker's trail to take the key and brings a few hideous demons to join the party

There are many things I love about this movie, chief among them being the story's historical aspect of defending the key, the many battles strewn through time. Every time a battle ends the key and guardianship is handed down to a lone survivor, and the cycle continues on, seemingly forever. There was potential for a more epic story, DEMON KNIGHT had an average budget and because of that it could not go as far as it should have which is a real shame, I would have loved seeing more of the battles for the key integrated into the film in someway, as opposed to just centering everything on one and dragging it to an hour and a half. Mind you that hour and a half is not a pain to watch but a brief glimpse via flashback was never enough for me

Billy Zane as the Collector is the lone acting highlight among the pack of actors in DEMON KNIGHT, no one does a shit job but they are completely dwarfed when compared to Zane, he's comically suave and it would have 'been a much lesser film without him. The Collector twinkle-toes through his mission with spunk and never detracts from being an evil sumbitch. Even with a horde of demons at his disposal he himself is deadlier and shines best when he attempts to claim everyone from the inside out, using whatever greed or chance for corruption to tempt them and rob them of their souls. A lesser actor would have 'been truly obnoxious and total crap but in Billy Zane's capable hands you can't get enough of him

The demon litter he commands are your typical demons, no horns, but evil looking and they look good in a group. They do have a weakness, which is destroy their eyes and they're dead, it always seemed kinda stupid to me but more on these kind of faults later. The post-possession demons are much more attractive to me, if there's anything else I would have changed in the film, I would have had the Collector skip on calling demons from the ground and just recruit from the people in the house. We get to know each one of the cast of characters at least for a wee bit, and watching them fail the test and go from human to demon would have 'been not only more rewarding but every demon would have had his or her own touch and identity

William Sadler plays Brayker, who is great at being a very exhausted and weary nomad, tired and strained as anyone would be from having to be on the run with cloven hooves at your heels. Not sure if it was done on purpose, but it's pretty neat that Sadler was cast in the first TALES FROM THE CRYPT movie (Associated with the tv series, we all know the first Tales from the crypt movie was released in 1972*wink) when he was also in the very first episode of the tv series

Everyone else does fine, Dick Miller, CCH Pounder, Thomas Haden Church, Charles Fleischer and co. are okay but you know from the starting line who's not going to make it, who'll betray the others etc. Jada Pinkett-Smith comes across as headstrong and resilient, she does okay,  but I never felt interest in her character's survival or what her own journey guarding the key would entail. Sure she resisted temptation, but then again so did CCH to the point that she still flipped off the Collector without an arm and went out like a boss taking out all the remaining demons, she had Demon Knight written on her more than Jada did but maybe there was a two-arm minimum

Gore is nice with severed body parts, guts pulled out, a lot of it eye-centric, it's chunky and drippy, and thankfully satisfying. This is before cgi became overwhelmingly prominent, and practical effects were the norm, the 90's were the last decade where they were so if you' re in the mood to remember those good times then this is top-notch viewing

DEMON KNIGHT did well at the box office, I had the pleasure of watching it when it first came out in a double-feature with Jean Claude Van-Damme's STREET FIGHTER THE MOVIE(ha). It was certainly well received at my screening and I had a hell of a good time, although looking back, it doesn't seem to hold up as well as that point in time, but I still remember it fondly and I'm glad I got to see it then. The Cryptkeeper came out post-credits and announced that another film was on it's way, “Dead Easy”, which was renamed BORDELLO OF BLOOD, a film so agonizingly bad that I will never ever review it here, it's a putrid pile of shit and I personally blame it for killing whatever chance TALES FROM THE CRYPT had of growing it's film franchise. Dennis Miller fighting vampires?? I wouldn't even wipe my ass with it

At least we got DEMON KNIGHT, a solid horror flick that while not to die for is still very enjoyable and still contains the old EC spirit that I and other Horror fans love

THE GOOD
.The Cryptkeeper on the big screen – As a kid watching this movie at the theater and hearing John Kassir's laugh echoing through that big room was pretty sweet, in the moment it felt indicative of a bright future for TALES FROM THE CRYPT that sadly didn't pan out

.The Demon Knight war – I was enraptured brainstorming all the possible other scenarios where the key was defended against the forces of hell, sucks that we will never see any of them

.Scenes with Tales from the Crypt comics – I loved seeing the comic books in the film

.Billy Zane – Can't say enough good things about him regarding this film, far as I'm concerned, this is his film

.Great soundtrack – Megadeth, Pantera, Ministry, Machinehead, Sepultura, good stuff. “Hey man nice shot” by Filter has it's best use ever in this film

THE BAD
.The demons are retarded – Described by the Collector himself as “low-level demons”, it is quite evident, you got claws and sharp teeth but all you do is grab people by the neck?

.Everyone is an expert marksman – Somehow anyone holding a gun can shoot each demonic eyeball in succession with pin-point accuracy, even with a demon flailing back and forth with some even holding someone in their path

.January release date – Universal strikes again, way to undermine your product by changing the original Halloween release date to goddamn January

THE FINAL CURTAIN
A great movie and a great addition to TALES FROM THE CRYPT's history, not a perfect film in my eyes but it's still damn enjoyable with plenty to satisfy any Horror fan

RATING 7.5